Justifiably Selective or Simply Picky?

I am lucky to have dated some really amazing guys. There was The Artist when I was 22 who let me paint his bathroom bright blue and brought home doughnuts before I woke up on Saturday mornings. There was The Future Minister when I was 14 who made me a mixed tape of Phil Collins songs and wanted to wait to have sex until we got married.

And then there were some good guys who just didn’t always make good decisions. There was Sports Guy who loved the Tigers, the D-Backs, the Cardinals, the Sun Devils, the Lions, Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods, Michael Phelps, the Mercury, any high school football team and his ex-girlfriend more than he loved me. And who could forget my High School Sweetheart who once twisted a pipe cleaner into the shape of a heart ring and sweetly placed it on my finger but also makes a rather lucrative living in the good old porn industry?

There have been tall ones, short ones, bald ones, hairy ones, rich ones, poor ones, red fish, blue fish. My dating track record is a real-life version of Whoville. This eclectic list is due to the fact that I’ve never been particularly persnickety. If you make me laugh and I can find SOME good in your heart and you take me to Disneyland, well, then I’m yours. Plus, I’ll stick around even after the metaphorical poo hits the metaphorical fan. Once I love you, I love you forever. Knowing that, you can see why it’s important at the ripe age of 29 to finally be a bit more discriminating.

Dating sites like www.iwenttosixweddingslastyear.com makes rejecting someone a cinch. In fact, I’m starting to be concerned that I’ve quickly graduated from all-embracing to selective to downright picky. I “close” guys for all kinds of reasons now.

If you spell the name of your profession wrong, I close you. (Seriously, dude.)

If you unashamedly admit that you haven’t read a book since high school, I close you. (I’m an English teacher for Pete’s sake.)

If all your profile pictures are of you looking in the mirror and taken from your cell phone but you claim to love traveling around the world, I close you. (Uh… suspicious?)

If you list “keeping physically fit” as one of your three best life-skills, I close you. (That’s not a skill; rewiring my stereo system is a skill.)

If you select “my pet is a nice addition to my life but there’s no real emotional attachment” to one of my questions, I close you. (I could never subject Sadie the Dog to a man like that!)

If you list hunting, shooting and eating red meat as your favorite hobbies, I close you. (Enough said.)

If you identify “attending a lecture” as your favorite type of date, I close you. (Quit lying.)

If your “Top Three Things I’m Thankful For” include your sports car or capitalism, I close you. (We’re just not going to work out.)

Could any of these guys be “the guy?” I suppose but I think that’s unlikely. Am I being unfair? Quite possibly. But before you judge me, remember this, I’m hoping to find a man to be the father of my kids and my eggs aren’t getting any younger. I’m getting this show on the road and I’ve got no time to search for the sweet, intelligent man inside the deer-shooting, illiterate tool.