The Weak Heart

As a high school teacher (a cool one, of course) I'm often privy to the inner workings of adolescent love. It's a messy but sometimes sweet place. They hold hands on their way to the cafeteria. They kiss goodbye before walking into separate classes because they're forced to be apart for 2 brutal hours. They text their soulmate constantly, just to say they are now walking to the library and back. They call each other "sweetie," "baby," "boo," and on and on and on. They fight with as much passion. They cry. They recover.


It's been nearly 15 years since I fell madly in love with my high school sweetheart. He was hilarious and listened to ska and had an old Mustang with dual exhaust. Man, did I love that kid. It was that first love that you can never experience again. But I had my eyes on grad school and Italy and thought I would break out of Phoenix someday. He's married now and his beautiful wife beams when she talks about him. I couldn't be happier for them and the little one on the way. At the time, the heartbreak was a doozy. I knew ending it was the right thing to do but man, I loved that kid.

A couple years later my first grown-up relationship ended and I moved out of my first grown-up house. My heart hurt so badly that I was angry he helped me pack. A few more years went by and the next man I loved walked out our front door just leaving behind his favorite baseball cap and some tears. And I thought, "okay, that's it, nothing can hurt worse than this." But I came back from it and fell in love again. The guy I thought was THE GUY came around. Well, predictably, I kissed him goodbye before he drove 3,000 miles away to start a new life and now we're not even facebook friends.

I've always loved being in relationships. I thrive when I'm in love. I like having a partner to go through all of life's crap with. I'm certain I can be a brat, a nag, a bitch and who knows what else the exes would say. I miss trying hard to stay up late on Fridays to watch "The Soup" together and experimenting with recipes only to have crappy leftovers of a meal for a week and debating paint colors for the bathroom because while he may think "Contemplation" is blue, it's actually green. And it sure would've been nice to have someone to lean on when my Dad passed 3 months ago. I long for all of this and more. But when I lost my Dad, the only man who was bound by law to love me, all of this changed. Nothing has ever hurt so badly as watching his heart give out. I don't imagine anything ever could.

For once I've decided instead of trying to make up for one lost love with another, me and my heart are on hiatus; a full on sabatical from dating so I can figure out how to stand on my own two feet again without my Dad to fall back on. While the old loves of my life move on with theirs and find the girls that make their hearts skip a beat, my weak heart just can't take anymore.

In the meantime, my students are shocked when I tell them I'm not married and not dating anyone. They still believe in mushy love and have a hard time thinking anything could be more important than finding their "soulmate" and think I'm crazy for preferring walking Sadie the Dog over trolling for men. They want me to fall in love and get married and have 5 kids and live happily ever after. Fifteen years ago, I would have agreed. Hell, five months ago I would have agreed. But for now, I'm done.